Grief doesn鈥檛 always show itself with crying. It doesn鈥檛 always follow a set series of emotional responses. It鈥檚 not only felt after the loss of a loved one.

To mark National Grief Awareness Day on August 30, some of our members have highlighted the more unexpected experiences of grief 鈥� and how as therapists they support clients through this.

We want to help people understand that there鈥檚 no right or wrong way to grieve.

says: 鈥淕rief is a curious animal. For some, it can feel devastating and shake their world off its axis for a while. For others, it may feel like part and parcel of life that they take in their stride.鈥�

Susan Carr adds that people are often surprised when grief doesn鈥檛 affect them in the way they thought it would. She says: 鈥淭hey worry that they鈥檙e 鈥榥ot grieving properly鈥� or 鈥榥ot grieving enough.鈥� This can be a natural part of the process especially in the early days and is often the mind鈥檚 way of protecting us from feeling overwhelmed by grief.鈥�

Tears come when they鈥檙e ready

鈥淪ometimes people tell me they haven鈥檛 cried since the bereavement,鈥� says Roya Royle. 鈥淚n therapy, especially that first session, the tears can suddenly come, and it can feel overwhelming. Often afterwards there鈥檚 some relief, as though a weight has lifted.

鈥淚 reassure clients there鈥檚 no time limit on grief. Tears come when they鈥檙e ready, and when the client feels safe to let them (even if this is years later). My role is to be with them through it, so they don鈥檛 have to face it alone.鈥�

Sometimes people may appear without emotion. Jen Mak says: 鈥淭he telling of a story can be surprisingly matter of fact, to the point that any emotion appears absent 鈥� this can be a way of cognitively making sense of something we wish wasn't reality.鈥�

Grief can affect the body, not just emotions

Grief may surprise people when it 鈥榮hows up鈥� in their bodies. People can feel physical symptoms, such as nausea, headaches, a heavy chest, upset stomach, joint and muscle pains, tension, and tiredness.

Susan says: 鈥淚t may not always be obvious that this is being caused by grief which can cause additional worry that they have something physically wrong.鈥澛犅�

Both Susan and Roya discuss with their clients about how to look after their physical wellbeing, in ways such as rest, massage, getting exercise, eating properly, getting fresh air and keeping to a routine. They also encourage clients to check with their GP if symptoms are new or unusual.

It鈥檚 possible to feel grief and joy at the same time

It can feel confusing for people to feel joy while grieving.

Roya says: 鈥淚 reassure clients that it鈥檚 possible to feel grief and joy at the same time. It doesn鈥檛 mean they loved the person any less.鈥�

says: 鈥淚 remind clients that these glimmers of joy are not a betrayal 鈥� they鈥檙e part of being human. I might gently say, 鈥業t鈥檚 okay to let both exist - your sadness and your joy. Neither cancels the other out.鈥� Together, we explore how allowing joy in can feel like a soft place to land in a very painful process.鈥�

Humour can be an essential survival tool

Some people may find humour at this time flippant or shocking, but for others it can help create small pockets of relief in an unbearable period, says Laurie Hole.

She adds: 鈥淒ark humour in particular can help grieving people say the unsayable. It acknowledges the absurdity of grief and can offer some semblance of control in a world that no longer resembles normal.

鈥淲hile some people might disapprove, grief belongs to the griever and they don't need to justify or apologise for their way of coping.鈥�

Grief聽is messy and flows the way it wants to

Lorraine Collins says: 鈥淥ver the years聽I've seen how grief can manifest in a聽myriad of ways and聽never in a way that's linear.聽Grief聽is messy and will flow in a way that it wants to. Just as a snowflake has聽its own unique shape and identity, it's pretty much the same for human beings with their own unique lived experience.鈥�

She adds: 鈥淚 gently encourage my clients to consider first, what making space for their聽grief might look聽like.聽聽It could be intentionally going to a place where they get to scream into a pillow or up at the sky. It might be having someone sit beside them while聽they go through old photographs. Whatever they might need to do that gives permission for their grief to be expressed聽safely is ok.鈥�

Feeling relief is not disrespectful or a sign you didn鈥檛 love someone

Roya says: 鈥淔or people who鈥檝e spent years caring for others ie. children, partners, or elderly parents, the death of someone they鈥檝e cared for can sometimes lead to noticing their own needs for the first time in a long while. Alongside the sadness, they might also feel moments of relief, freedom or even hope for the future, which can bring guilt.鈥�

Amy adds: 鈥淚 reassure clients that relief is not disrespectful or unloving. It鈥檚 a natural response to the ending of struggle, tension, or fear. I often say, 鈥榊ou鈥檙e grieving the loss, and you鈥檙e also exhaling from the weight you鈥檝e carried.鈥� Together, we work on gently holding both sides of that truth, giving permission for the body and mind to release what was heavy. That often involves practicing self-compassion, so they can meet relief not with shame, but with understanding.鈥�

Anxiety can hit hard as the world feels less predictable

Susan says: 鈥淎fter a loss, people can find themselves worrying more - either about their own mortality or those around them or just having more general anxiety as the world no longer feels as predictable as it once did. A loss can feel like the 鈥榬ug has been pulled from under you鈥�.

She adds: 鈥淚 start by reassuring them that this can be a normal reaction but also look at ways of managing their anxiety such as journalling, grounding techniques, breathing and relaxation exercises as well as distraction techniques and thought challenging.鈥�

You might alternate between focussing on your loss, and on your new life

Sandhya Bhattacharya highlights what鈥檚 called the dual process of loss and how it鈥檚 significant in helping people to cope. People may alternate between being 鈥榣oss oriented鈥�, remembering and yearning for the deceased, and 鈥榬estoration oriented鈥�, which is distracting themselves or avoiding thinking of grief.

She adds: 鈥淏eing loss oriented requires energy to work through the loss, leaving us depleted. Restorative functions help us manage the suffering and pain of loss, so we鈥檙e ready to attend to these feelings when returning to loss-oriented functions.鈥�

She explains how therapy can help recognise the dual process of loss, explore how repeatedly avoiding thinking about loss can be a problem and understand why clients are avoiding pain.

Grief may shake the foundations of how we see ourselves

Amy says: 鈥淟oss - whether it鈥檚 death, divorce, estrangement, or even children leaving home - can unsettle identity in profound ways. I help clients slowly rebuild by reflecting on the parts of themselves that still remain, while also exploring who they are becoming. It鈥檚 deeply powerful to witness clients discover that while grief changes them, it doesn鈥檛 erase them.鈥澛犅�

It can be normal to feel listlessness and apathy

While we often talk about the intense emotions following grief, less is said about the other feelings it can leave people with.

Laurie says: 鈥淭he truth is, after the chaos of early grief, it can be normal to experience periods of feeling empty and where none of our usual interests bring us any relief and everything feels a bit pointless.

鈥淎dding small anchors to the day can be helpful - things that feel soothing, gentle and grounding. Additionally, giving yourself permission to feel unmotivated, flat and bored can be incredibly powerful. Permission to stay where we are without fixing it, usually allows the state of being to resolve in its own time.鈥�

Cultural expectations can sometimes impact how you grieve

Bhavna says: 鈥淪ome people feel pressured by family or culture to follow rituals and customs that surround grief, that may itself bring up emotions."

She explains: "When clients are struggling with particular expectations, for example to behave, dress, travel or sacrifice in certain ways, my priority is to provide a safe space where they can be themselves. We explore how they can both honour their culture and their own needs at this difficult time. Grief is a bewildering experience, but, the important thing with grief is to be kind to yourself.鈥�

Grief can lead to an increased sexual desire

Michaela Verby says that sometimes grief shows up in the body through an increase in sexual desire.

She adds: 鈥淭his can feel confusing or even shameful as many people may wonder why they鈥檙e craving intimacy or seeking sex at a time when they鈥檙e supposed to feel only sadness. For some, it鈥檚 a way of feeling alive or connected again in the face of loss; but the reasons vary from person to person.聽My job is to explore what the sexual desire means聽to the person. Is it comfort, closeness, distraction, expression? Approaching this experience with compassion rather than judgement helps one to create a sense of connectedness within and is a vital part of working with grief.鈥�

You might grieve before the loss

Anticipatory grief is when people have feelings of grief before someone dies.

Susan says: 鈥淚f someone has had a long illness then the death may be more anticipated, in which case we may have already started to process the loss before it has actually happened.聽 Where someone has been ill there can also sometimes be a sense of 鈥渞elief鈥� that means that we may not experience grief in the way that we expected. These responses are all valid and more common than you may think - there isn鈥檛 a right or wrong way to go through it.鈥�

People can grieve at life stages

People can go through a grieving process while making sense of what, or whom, they have lostwhen they reach different life stages. For instance, this could be starting a relationship and losing the independence of being single, when a couple start a family, or children leaving home.

Sandhya says: 鈥淭hrough all these stages, loss tells us something about ourselves. We learn who we are and what we have to give up, to transition into another life stage.

鈥淐ouples and families come to my practice trying to make sense of what they have lost. We explore this loss in therapy and I help my clients understand and process grief.聽 The therapeutic aim is to come to a place of acceptance and be at peace with the changes experienced.鈥�

You can feel grief over the loss of something you never had

Jen Mak explains: 鈥淭he loss of something one never had might be the tender point you don't see. Small talk can so easily revolve around families and kids, especially in the summer holidays. It's easy to forget that this isn't an experience everyone shares. It might not have been someone's choice to not be a parent or a grandparent.鈥�

To find a trained and registered therapist who can help with grief, please visit 麻豆原创鈥檚聽Therapist Directory.