Welcoming a new baby is a wonderful and life changing event but it can be overwhelming at times for dads, as well as mums.
(This article contains material of a highly sensitive nature regarding child birth trauma that may be triggering for some individuals)
Increasing numbers of studies point to around one in 10 fathers experiencing serious mental health issues in the 12 months following the birth of their child.
鈥淪ince new dads often don鈥檛 get as much attention as new mums, it鈥檚 much easier for their needs to be overlooked,鈥� explains 麻豆原创 counsellor Sarah Wheatley, who runs Birth and Beyond, based in Edinburgh.
One dad told us: 鈥業t was all about my wife, which I quite understand. She bled badly and the baby was grey on delivery. I thought I would lose them both, but I had no one to talk this through with.鈥�
鈥淎nd because some of the behaviours that men can display after their child is born often seen as being uncaring towards the mother, that can mean that they also receive criticism and feel shame, when actually they need support.鈥�
麻豆原创 members Sarah Wheatley and Madeleine Kingsley have explored common issues and signs on how to spot if a new dad is struggling 鈥� and how therapy can help.
Dads can be vulnerable and traumatised
鈥淚t鈥檚 the mums who are perceived as vulnerable. But dads too report feeling traumatised by difficult births and they don鈥檛 have the injection of oxytocin to aid forgetting,鈥� says couples counsellor Madeleine Kingsley.
She adds: 鈥淭he aftershock of delivery, the leaden exhaustion of broken sleep compounded by anxiety, the concern about are we doing this even halfway right and the pressure of 24/7 baby care is a more commonly reported experience than Hallmark greetings card euphoria.
鈥淎nd I鈥檝e noticed that it can be even harder for dads to adjust because they鈥檙e only the supporting act to centre stage mums who, quite rightly, receive the midwifery care, the emotional and practical postnatal support of family and friends, the flowers and pampering gifts,鈥� she adds.
Feeling 鈥榣eft out鈥�
The therapists say that dads are sometimes unprepared for the impact a new child can have on their relationship.鈥淚鈥檝e worked with dad who were completely unprepared for the lost connection, which they didn鈥檛 recognise as just temporary. They lacked the words to describe their sense of loneliness and unimportance,鈥� says Sarah.
鈥淭hey were duly bowled over by the baby, but they still had the sense that this all-absorbing new mum and baby scenario left little room for them. And they didn鈥檛 know how to talk about feeling disregarded without sounding like a 1950s relic demanding attention, pipe, slippers and conjugal rights.
鈥淚t鈥檚 now quite usual for mum and baby to sleep in one room and dad in another, mitigating against even a snuggle. And I hear of this arrangement going on for months, even years,鈥� she adds.
Madeleine says: 鈥淎bout 60 per cent of my couples work is with partners seeking to recover the emotional connection and erotic spark they had before becoming new parents.鈥�
Loss of 鈥榝reedom鈥�
Sarah thinks the fact that couples now start their families much later (sometimes 10 or , even 20 years after their grandparents would have done) means that there are greater tensions around loss of freedom.
鈥淒ads say that they thought they were ready to embrace the next stage of life, but didn鈥檛 realise how much they were giving up - from carefree travel to a quick gym workout.鈥�
Not embracing the 鈥榤ental load鈥�
鈥淐ouples often agree that they will share the parental workload, and arguments ensue about dads not doing enough around the house or embracing the 鈥檓ental load鈥� in the first year of parenthood,鈥� says Sarah.
鈥淚 often hear men sounding bewildered because they believe they are doing 50/50. In counselling sessions I鈥檝e joked that both partners are doing their utmost but when a child comes along the workload ramps up to 150 not 100 per cent so neither鈥檚 contribution can ever be enough.鈥�
鈥淢ore help and support is needed, but if the couple have moved from away from extended family, it鈥檚 hard to access,鈥� she adds.
So how can we notice if a new dad is struggling?
鈥淭ypical signs include working more than usual or being overly preoccupied with practical aspects such as equipment or routines, which can bring a lot of conflict into the relationship if there鈥檚 real focus on 鈥榞etting things right,鈥� says Sarah.
鈥淎lso changes in behaviour such as being more irritable and reactive or being more withdrawn can be signs that a new dad is processing a lot of feelings and maybe doesn鈥檛 know what to do with them.鈥�
How to start a conversation about dad鈥檚 feelings
Sarah suggests taking a less direct route to start a conversation about his feelings.
鈥淚t can be hard to start these kinds of conversations directly, so talking about what you notice can be a way in. A phrase such as 鈥淚鈥檝e noticed that you seem to be doing x, y, or z 鈥� more than usual, and I鈥檓 wondering if you鈥檙e feeling a bit stressed/ worried/ unimportant?鈥�
鈥淭ry creating a space where you can both try to describe what you鈥檙e feeling. This show鈥檚 you value their experience too and that they鈥檙e also important.鈥�
Therapy can help
鈥淭herapy for new parents gives the couple the chance of a rare hour for just the two of them to explore both overwhelm and undisclosed stresses of new parenthood,鈥� shares Madeleine., 鈥淚t鈥檚 an opportunity to reconnect, recognise the positives and reset intentions for emotional and physical intimacy. Even if (quite commonly on zoom) baby comes too!鈥�
Sarah says there are various options for new dads to access support.,
鈥淵ou can try speaking to the NHS to see what they offer in your area, or you can find local support groups for dads (which might also offer individual peer support). Private therapy is also an option, since that can be online if there is nothing local.鈥�
To find a therapist who can help you, please visit our Therapist Directory or our 鈥�how to get therapy鈥� page.
