Rebuilding a connection with adult children can be difficult 鈥� particularly when time, conflict, or unresolved feelings have created distance. But it鈥檚 never too late to start again and the festive period offers an opportunity to reach out, reconnect and rebuild trust.

With patience, empathy, and gradual steps, trust and understanding can be restored.

Our members have shared insights on how to manage family reconciliation and managing family challenges over the festive season.

Be kind to yourself first

Finding yourself estranged from your adult child can be painful and full of uncertainty.

鈥淚t鈥檚 important to acknowledge your feelings and how this is impacting you,鈥� says .

鈥淏efore thinking about how to reconnect, prioritise your own well-being. When you show yourself compassion, it helps you approach the situation with greater calm and clarity.鈥�

鈥淓strangement can feel like a bereavement, bringing sadness, guilt, and shock. Giving yourself time to process these emotions helps lay the groundwork for honest self-reflection,鈥� she adds.

Reflect on the past without blame

鈥淪elf-reflection is essential but often uncomfortable,鈥� Jenny explains.

鈥淚t can be helpful to explore what led to the estrangement and your role in it, no matter how small. This isn鈥檛 about blame 鈥� it鈥檚 about understanding the dynamic between you and your child. That insight creates space for meaningful communication later on.鈥�

鈥淧arents can feel very 鈥榞ot at鈥� when their adult children bring up past hurts,鈥� says Alison Roy, a Consultant child & adolescent psychotherapist.

鈥淚t鈥檚 easy to slip into defensiveness 鈥� to accuse them of being unfair, selfish, or of forgetting the good moments. But taking responsibility, even when it feels uncomfortable, is such an important part of healing.

鈥淗aving the support of a counsellor or therapist with expertise in conflict resolution or mediation can make that process easier,鈥� she adds.

Take it one step at a time

鈥淩econnection rarely happens overnight,鈥� Jenny says. 鈥淪eparation may have felt sudden, but it usually developed gradually. If there鈥檚 to be a reconnection, it鈥檒l also take time.

鈥淔ocus on building openness and trust rather than expecting a quick fix or fairytale ending,鈥� she adds.

Alison agrees: 鈥淲hether this is a reconciliation after a lifetime apart or after a long fall-out, it鈥檚 vital not to rush things. There鈥檚 often a desire to make up for lost time or to air every grievance, but most people simply don鈥檛 have the emotional capacity to do that at first. Managing expectations is key.鈥�

She suggests small steps 鈥� asking a few questions, sharing selectively, and being curious without going too deep, too soon.

鈥淚t鈥檚 a fine balance of not withholding, but also not overwhelming,鈥� she says.

Don鈥檛 push your own agenda

If you鈥檙e the parent, try not to push your own agenda.

"Work on settling the hurt or feelings within you that could get stirred up,鈥� Alison advises.

鈥淚 often encourage parents to close their eyes and listen when they feel defensive or eager to justify themselves. Just modelling the act of listening can shift the dynamic before you even speak.鈥�

鈥淏ut taking one small step at a time, listening actively, and managing expectations can create space for genuine connection. Sometimes what the festive season stirs up runs deeper than turkey and tinsel,鈥� she adds.

Respect their boundaries

If your adult child has asked for space, it鈥檚 important to honour their wishes.

鈥淪mall, consistent actions rather than explanations or promises will show them you鈥檙e taking them seriously,鈥� advises Jenny.

鈥淜eep contact short, warm, and free of blame. A simple message like 鈥業鈥檇 love to hear how you鈥檙e doing, when you鈥檙e ready鈥� can go a long way.鈥�

Reconnecting isn鈥檛 always easy

Family reconciliations are often emotionally intense encounters. There are no easy ways to approach them, but it鈥檚 important for both parents and adult children to prepare well and take time to understand the possible obstacles to the connection they hope for.

鈥淭here are many scenarios where a reconciliation or a reconnection may happen between family members,鈥� says Alison Roy, a consultant child & adolescent psychotherapist.

鈥淎s an adoption specialist, I鈥檝e worked with both birth parents who have been contacted by their adult adoptee children and with adoptees themselves. Often, parents haven鈥檛 seen their grown-up children since they were babies.

鈥淢any adoptees seek contact 鈥� some for answers, some for resolution, some to express long-held feelings, and others simply to understand their roots or share that they鈥檝e become parents themselves.

鈥淲hatever the motivation, these reunions can be fraught with emotional 鈥榩otholes鈥�, and both sides need to tread gently.鈥�

鈥淵ou may need additional support from a counsellor or mediator to help hold those conversations safely,鈥� adds Jenny.

Seek support when you need it

鈥淓strangement takes an emotional toll. It鈥檚 more common than people realise, so remember you鈥檙e not alone,鈥� Jenny reassures.

鈥淐ounselling can help you manage feelings of rejection, maintain perspective, and stay grounded when opportunities to reconnect arise.鈥�

Ditch the pressure for perfection at Christmas

鈥淗ome isn鈥檛 always where the heart is. There鈥檚 an expectation that we鈥檒l return to family or host everyone ourselves 鈥� but deep-rooted tensions can鈥檛 always be papered over. The stress of trying to make everything joyful often amplifies old patterns,鈥� says Alison.

Striving for perfection can leave people feeling inadequate:

鈥淲e carry the pressure to create the perfect celebration, buy the perfect gift, serve the perfect meal. When it doesn鈥檛 go to plan, we can feel as though we鈥檝e failed.鈥�

Finding calm in the chaos

鈥淥n the big day, try to find a structure that works for you 鈥� spacing and timing things without an overly controlling can make the day run more smoothly,鈥� says Alison.鈥淲hether you鈥檙e hosting or not, finding ways to release pressure can help you get through it with more ease and even a smile. Having a friend to message or using signals with your partner to show when you鈥檙e feeling overwhelmed, can be invaluable.

鈥淪ometimes, something as simple as stepping outside for fresh air and giving yourself space to breathe can help you focus on what truly matters.鈥�

鈥淭he key is to know what helps you stay well, what you can say 'no' to, and to carry those tools with you. This is not only a gift to yourself but can also set an example for others who may be struggling,鈥� she adds.

Why it鈥檚 hard to admit you鈥檙e struggling

Admitting you don鈥檛 enjoy the festive period can feel socially unacceptable.

鈥淧eople often think something鈥檚 wrong with them if they鈥檙e not full of festive cheer,鈥� Alison explains. 鈥淏ut it鈥檚 completely rational to feel anxious about a period where everyone鈥檚 expected to be happy. The built-in nostalgia, repetition, and reflective nature of the season can make emotions more intense.

鈥淚t can prompt people to reassess their lives and relationships. For some, this clarity feels liberating 鈥� for others, it can stir sadness or anxiety about change,鈥� she adds.听

To find a therapist who specialises in family reconciliation visit our听Therapist Directory.